A Sisters Suicide

November 1st is just another day for most, but for me its my big sisters birthday. She would have been 43 years old today. This day is a sad one for me because it takes me back to that day. That tragic day three years ago when everything changed.

The day started out like any other I was eating lunch about noon when my sister called. I had my husband answer the phone and tell her I would call her back. I am sure she knew the odds of me calling back were not the greatest. I was never very good about calling people back. So when she called back at just after dark I was sure to answer.

I remember she was crying and a bit hard to understand. It took me a few minutes to realise she was saying goodbye. She said “no matter what you hear or what you see remember I love you with all my heart”. I started thinking well maybe she took something and we could fix it. I knew she was sad that her second marriage was not going well, and she said she felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I remember that I just wanted to keep her talking. She told me that she had got into an argument with one of her boys and he told her he wanted to go live with his dad. I told her how much I loved her and how much her boys loved her. At one point she started trying to get off the phone with me and I was still trying to keep her talking. I told her whatever it was we could fix it. She told me she had to go throw up and I made her promise to call me right back. I did not want to hang up with her but I thought if she took something throwing up was a good thing. She told me she loved me once more and promised to call me right back. As I hung up the phone I was replaying the conversation in my mind I remember her saying she wanted to go be with our mom in heaven.

When she didn’t call me right back, I am not sure how long it was 5 minutes or 15 but I called her back and he answered on the first ring and it was my brother-in-law he was crying and the first thing he said was its Sherry I think she is dead. my heart dropped and I screamed for my husband and ran to the car phone in hand. we live about 15 minutes apart max. I was hysterical screaming in the phone telling him how to do CPR. One, two, three breathe, one, two, three breathe. We were about half way there when he told me that there was a lot of blood. Little did I know that as soon as she hung up the phone with me, she set the phone on her chest and put a gun to the side of her head and pulled the trigger.

That was the worst night of my life. She had changed her MySpace status to say she was going to be with our mom. She had written a note saying her goodbyes. She packed her boys school clothes and had her husband take them to their dads house. all before she called me. To this day I wonder what I could have said to stop her. Suicide hurts so many people in a family. I lost my brother to an auto accident, my mother to cancer, but the suicide of my sister was the hardest to get past.

Were there signs? Yes but only in hindsight do I see them.

Happy Birthday Sherry, I love you.

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Posted in Rants

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NaBloPoMo May 2013

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